December 11, 2017

 

The Aser Stories 01: Popping the Big Question

 
 
 

Aser, a half-crazed hedge shaman, dodges a confrontation with the most dangerous question in the world ...


So this troll is trying on a suit of armor in the Midgard Macy's store. And the troll turns to the saleslady and says, "Does this make my ass look big?" Although the saleslady had a braincase about big enough for three neurons to sit side by side, theater-style, she did have the presence of mind to say, "Oh, Hon, come over here and look in the mirrors," and under cover of one of the immense troll cheeks in question, bolt for the break room door not to be seen again for hours, which is why salespersons still have a large population in the world while other species seem to die out and disappear from the face of the earth.

The troll bought the armor, nearly a given, because of the glittery nature of the metal and trolls being drawn to the glowing burnish of certain metals. And out the front doors Troll went, wearing the off-the-rack big-ass armor, shiny as the ocean at noon.

You better believe that when the troll asked the Ass Question, I hid under the racks of burlap robes and kept out of sight, because the size of one's ass has led to more global conflicts in the history of history than you can shake a staff at. Part of the progress of self-actualization is the awareness of and the willing recognition of the size and appearance of one's own ass and open acceptance thereof. Or not, which is why there are so many elf-gyms and why they diet so obsessively.

How do you know if you have a Big Ass? Logically this seems to be the starting point for many in the pursuance of the answers to the Big Question: "Who am I?" In fact, the size of one's ass nearly requires one to make a cognitive shift from self-identification to self's ass-acceptance and identification thereby.

Passing by my own Ass Questions for the moment, how does one determine if one has a Big Ass? The first criterion should be: how many items of household cupboardry and stocks of shelves in stores does one knock off in passing at least four times a week, not realizing such until one hears the telltale crash off the stern?

Secondly, how often does one's troll or orc ass get stuck in chairs when one is visiting? When your host has to call the retainers and have multiple foots braced against one's nether portions while the sturdy servants pull on the seating implement ... ah, well, one can begin to admit to Big Assed-ness.

In the third prominent judgment, does one find that NO ONE is willing to make Ass Jokes or even say the word "Ass" in one's presence? Oh, yeah, if all three of these criteria are met, you probably have a Big Ass.

Now, ultimately, is that a bad thing? If you have the ass of a Big-Ass Troll, and a shiny armor to cover it, does that not mean that you have the shielding power of a Abrams 1-A front line tank with which to protect your interests? And indeed, should the winters become as deep with ice and cold as they did not so long ago, would not the insulation of a chubby, well-fed butt keep one from freezing as one waits in the shadows to relieve the drunken passing burgher of his currency and adornments?

Or you can just get down to the nitty-gritty and decide whether you want to look like an elf with bulimia or whether you would rather snuggle up to a horny old wizard in the bar and let him buy you appetizers and drinks for a couple hours, or order enough pizzas to satisfy all the mates in the gang. The trick is to enjoy what you do, as long as you're not endangering the alliance. And ass be damned, what really matters is how sharp you keep your sword, how willing you are to check 'round corners to see that the coast is clear, and whether or not you are willing to stand shoulder to shoulder and take on the enemy. Or, as the case may be, ass to ass.

Article © Sand Pilarski. All rights reserved.
Published on 2007-02-05


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In the same series:

The Accursed
The Aser Stories: Sidelong
The Aser Stories 80: Cabin Fever
The Aser Stories 79: Just Don't Say It Before Spring
The Aser Stories 78: Judgment Call
The Aser Stories 77: "Are We There Yet?"
The Aser Stories 76: A Bone to Pick
The Aser Stories 75: Coalition Forces
The Aser Stories 74: Flying Monkeys
The Aser Stories 73: Elspeth, Ad Nauseam
The Aser Stories 072: Starve a Cold
The Aser Stories 071: House Call
The Aser Stories 70: Dinner Dates
The Aser Stories 69: Fire in the Hole
The Aser Stories 68: The Silk Fable
The Aser Stories 67: The Simple Life
The Aser Stories 66: For What You're Worth
The Aser Stories 65: Taking a Shot
The Aser Stories 64: Second Chances
The Aser Stories 63: The Second Step
The Aser Stories 63: Second Thoughts
The Aser Stories 60: Fish Story
The Aser Stories 59: Ace in the Hole
The Aser Stories 58: Knowledge is Power
The Aser Stories 57: Animal Tracks
The Aser Stories 56: Oz Can Keep Them All
The Aser Stories 55: Small Comfort
The Aser Stories 54: Letting Go
The Aser Stories 53: In a Spirit of Healing
The Aser Stories 52: Stinkin' Kids
The Aser Stories 51: No Words For It
The Aser Stories 50: The Friend in Need
The Aser Stories 49: Run for Cover
The Aser Stories 48: On the Fly
The Aser Stories 47: Just Thievery
The Aser Stories 46: Take My Shaman ... Please
The Aser Stories 45: Hot Stuff
The Aser Stories 44: Courtesy Call
The Aser Stories 43: Adding Insult to Injury
The Aser Stories 42: Natural Selection
The Aser Stories 41: Funny Business
The Aser Stories 40: Happy Endings
The Aser Stories 39: Working Dogs
The Aser Stories 38: Taking Sides
The Aser Stories 37: Dumb Animals
The Aser Stories 36: Harsh Words
The Aser Stories 35: Endangered Species
The Aser Stories 34: Common Language
The Aser Stories 33: Legal Torture
The Aser Stories 32: Whose Fault Is It?
The Aser Stories 31: Money Talks
The Aser Stories 30: The Perils of Sympathy
The Aser Stories 29: Raccoons
The Aser Stories 28: The Ghost of Garfer Miller
The Aser Stories 27: Dynamite
The Aser Stories 26: Junk Mail
The Aser Stories 25: Rose-Covered Cottages
The Aser Stories 24: Crime and Punishment
The Aser Stories 23: Image Is Everything
The Aser Stories 22: Is As Does
The Aser Stories 21: Gourmet Dining
The Aser Stories 20: Families and How They Are
The Aser Stories 19: The Difference Between Men and Women
The Aser Stories 18: On a Silver Platter
The Aser Stories 17: Point of View
The Aser Stories 16: Easy Street
The Aser Stories 15: Moguls
The Aser Stories 14: A Mile Toward Change
The Aser Stories 13: The Price of Freedom
The Aser Stories 12: A Question of Nudity
The Aser Stories 11: Rabbit From a Hat
The Aser Stories 10: Awards
The Aser Stories 09: On A Roll
The Aser Stories 08: Raising Children
The Aser Stories 07: Crosspasses Market
The Aser Stories 06: Judge, Jury, Shaman
The Aser Stories 05:Habit and Stubbornness
The Aser Stories 04: The Wrong Question
The Aser Stories 03: The Labor of Love
The Aser Stories 02: Soup du Jour
The Aser Stories 01: Popping the Big Question
The Aser Stories 40a: Customary Behavior
The Aser Stories 36a: Madly In Love
The Aser Stories 03a: Descent to the Underworld

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