Exhaustion sets in. The sun is hot, and my legs are numb from running. I don’t know why I run this way, but there’s not much to do here. Also, I believe I deserve the pain. I need to toughen myself and be able to take it. After the pain, comes the true reward. The feeling of nothing. My legs keep moving, but I can no longer feel them. I concentrate on my breath. I feel like I can run forever. Until exhaustion sets in. At that point, I’m done. I fall to the ground and lay in the grass. There is nowhere I need to go. Nothing I need to do. No one is looking for me.
There are other kids here, but they don’t run like I do. They don’t come this far away from the house. The woman who runs the house is fair, but with so many kids, she only has so much time for each of us. I never knew my dad. My mom never talked about him, and I didn’t care to ask. My mom comes around sometimes, but she doesn’t have enough money to take care of me. That’s about all I have to say about that.
I look at the clouds. I can feel the sky move as I lay still. The world is always on the move. Constant motion. When I run it seems like I’m in control. I’m going where I want to go, but watching the sky move reminds me that my control is slight and mostly meaningless. I go where the world takes me. The world may not need me. The world may not want me. Nobody does. But I have something to give. I can help people. Maybe I’ll be a police officer or a detective. I can serve and protect. I will mean something to the world.
I’m in pain almost every day now. At first I was just tired. I didn’t feel like doing anything anymore. So began the endless doctor appointments. Before too long it was clear that this was serious. Cancer serious. Multiple Myeloma, cancer of the bone marrow and Leukemia, cancer of the blood. Just words that to me mean pain and a short ending. I don’t think much about my chances, the percentages, the number of days I have left. My family thinks about these enough already.
A borrowed medical bed sits in the middle of my living room. There used to be days that I felt well again, strong again. I could walk. I could go outside. Those days would give me hope, but I haven’t had one of those days in a while.
So, I lie in the bed watching TV or reading a book. Live sporting events are the best to watch. They make me feel like I am part of something happening now. I can share this moment with others doing the same thing. No one knows for sure what the result will be. Unless it’s a blowout there’s always a chance the game will change.
My step-father's giving me the talk again. He says I need a plan for my life. I need to get a job and find my own place or join the military like he did. I graduated from high school two weeks ago. I’ve heard this talk for more than a year now. Maybe I shouldn’t say step-father. It’s more complicated than that.
My mom came to visit one day and said that her boyfriend wanted to adopt me. I wanted to believe this, but it’s hard to imagine that my mom didn’t convince him to do so. How willing of a participant he was, it was hard to tell. I had been living without “parents” for years, so the change to increased supervision didn’t suit me well and I let him know that.
Our relationship got worse when he separated from my mom. It often seemed like he resented me, that he would do anything to erase his name from any document linking him to me.
He married again. They had kids. I no longer fit in to this new family, even though they tried sometimes. I wasn’t a model student, a role model for younger kids, a big brother that anyone would look up to. I knew that I would have to leave after high school. I knew I was joining the army, but I didn’t feel like telling my father that today. I’ll sign up and when it’s time for me to go, I’ll say goodbye.
The army could give me an education or help me to become a police officer after. Besides, there was a war going on. Someone wanted me. My country needed me.
Her eyes drew me in. Even though this was the first time we met, I felt like I knew her my whole life. We sat in the grass on a hill, waiting for the fireworks to start. Our friends wanted to get there early so we could find a spot. The conversation was genuine. I wanted to tell her everything and I wanted to know everything about her. The hair under her hat swayed in the wind. Innocent, loving, caring, no one I had known had been like this before.
The payout was decent. I was ready to try something new anyway. I didn’t love it. I was never passionate about it, but it was a job. I made decent money and was able to provide for my family. I thought about doing different things, but it always seemed too risky. Still, after giving 30 years to a company, it’s somewhat sad that they want to unceremoniously pay me to leave. There was no thank you, no party, no going away gifts. Just an empty box to fill my personal items with and some papers to sign. I said goodbye to those around me, picked up my box and headed home.
My kids are in a mood today. They make each other laugh, but they don’t realize how mean they can be. My wife seems to be in on it. She certainly doesn’t stop them. She makes the same type of comments, but not as blunt. I’m bald. I gained weight. We’re not rich. I do my best, but I’m still regularly a joke to the family. I know they used to have admiration, but at this age everything is a joke and admitting any kind of good feeling towards someone is a sign of weakness. I’m told they grow out of it. I smile and try to ignore it.
His words resonate and his jokes bring laughter and applause. I couldn’t feel more proud. My first son graduating high school. Second in his class. An athlete playing multiple sports. Voted spirit king by his classmates. Strong in his faith. My other son is just a couple years behind. Everything feels like it’s going to be ok. They will go to college. They’ll get jobs. I didn’t completely mess everything up. I was there for my kids every step of the way. They will never know a childhood like mine.
I feel the pain now. It’s more intense than usual. I grunt and scream to try to ignore it. My legs keep going at the same fast pace. Slowly the pain dissipates. My breath calms. There is no more pain. The sun is bright. I fall to my knees and then on my back. A nice breeze flows through the grass and over my face. I take a deep breath and am engulfed with a sense of accomplishment and acceptance. The sky moves around me.
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