Oscar

“Our next category is special effects. Judy, can you hand me the envelope?”

“Here you go Grant.”

“And the winner is Black Magic Studios for “From Heaven To Hell.” Here to accept for them is their president and owner Beal Scratch.”

A ball of fire ten feet in circumference appeared in front of Judy and Grant. Grant and Judy fled offstage and the audience screamed. Slowly the fireball diminished to reveal Scratch, who walked to the mike.

“Hey, don’t worry; I just thought a bit of special effects was appropriate for the occasion. I’d like to thank the Academy and all that crap. More important, here is a question for all of you in the audience and at home – do you know who Stewart Havoc is?”

Stunned silence in the audience. Those watching at home mumbled variations on “Who”?

“Stewart Havoc is the winner of Best Actor. He’s been in five block buster movies and been a star for twenty years.”

People in the audience asked those next to them “I haven’t ever heard of him, have you? What the hell is Scratch talking about.”

“Just bear with me. Special effects are just a sideline for me. My main job is as actor’s agent. I’ve got some of the biggest stars because I can guarantee success, even Oscars. People like Havoc wonder what the catch is. Do I want most or their earnings or their soul? No I do not. I tell people like the now unknown Havoc, it is just something that I enjoy doing. In his case, he was willing to help things along by starting rumors about former friends who had become rivals. Ever wonder why you heard that Jordan Hemphill had unnatural relationships with horses? I think that you get the drift. Here’s an Oscar winner from five years ago – June Hurd. Bet that name means nothing to you. I got her an Oscar after she started talking about her best friend’s orgy with a circus troupe. That was a little much even for the jaded public.”

“I see that some of the staff is motioning me to get off the stage. I don’t think that I will, why don’t you just relax and take naps? Good, I see they’ve gone to sleep.”

“Sorry about that interruption. You are probably wondering about those people that I claim were Oscar winners. There are another twenty-three like them. If you go to Wikipedia you won’t find their names, instead there will be blanks for the Academy categories that they won in. Most of them are still alive, but they are working as cops, nurses, gym trainers and other less prestigious jobs. They don’t understand what happened to them, but have a vague idea that something has gone wrong in their lives. Were you to see any of them, it would make no impression on you.”

“You say ‘That makes no sense, it can’t be. I’d notice all of those stars disappearing.’ Normally you would, but you are dealing with the minion of a fallen angel who has special powers and specializes in pranks. Cue our theme song.”

“Sympathy For The Devil” plays as Beal Scratch disappears in a cloud of smoke. No one remembered what he said, or even that he was at the Oscars. No one missed the blank categories at the Oscars.