Harry was on his way to the church in his old red car when he ran out of gas. After he rolled the dead vehicle under a tree, he popped the trunk and pulled out his trusty red jerry can. He walked up to the checkout counter at the gas station. He sifted through the pockets of his father’s old gray blazer, pulled out a twenty and asked the cashier for a pack of cigarettes.
When he walked outside, the jerry can was still empty. He began to unwrap the new pack of cigarettes when a large white SUV pulled up next to him.
“Still got that old jerry jug?” the man behind the wheel called out. He had on a pair of gigantic, tinted brown sunglasses and a beige suit that was so big you could barely tell where his body was. Sandy blonde hair wafted above his forehead.
“You never know when you’re going to need it,” Harry answered, his expression unchanged. A sly smile crept across each of their faces. “It’s good to see you, Tony.”
“Likewise, my friend. You need a lift to this wedding?”
“My car is right down the road.”
“I don’t see any cars.”
“I thought I only walked two blocks...”
“Get in.”
The two of them rode in Tony’s aunt’s Trailblazer. The wedding was at three o’clock and it was currently two-fifteen. They were about thirty minutes away from the church. One would think that would be plenty of time to arrive promptly, but not on this day, and not for these friends. The traffic was light as the blazer cruised down the residential streets.
“You still living at home?” Harry asked.
“I moved out of my parents’ place. I’m in my aunt’s basement now.”
“Very nice.”
“Yeah she’s cool. She doesn’t like it when I play Call of Duty though,” Tony said.
“Are you still working at that pet store?”
“They fired me.”
“For what?”
“Caught me stealing stuff for this stray squirrel I took in.”
Harry nodded and thought about what it would be like to have a pet squirrel. Tony checked his hair in the mirror and ran his hand through it. Harry noticed a gray in his own scalp and frowned.
“Remember that last apartment I had?”
“Not really,” Harry answered.
“The one my parents paid for.”
“I thought they paid for all of them.”
Tony laughed but there was something in his eyes. He looked out the window and paused before answering.
“I guess you’re right. I was just going to say, I miss those days.”
“Me too.”
“Remember you were going to school and I was working for my pop,” Tony asked.
“Those were good times,” though Harry didn’t remember.
“Are you working now?” Tony asked.
“Yeah. I’m doing payroll for the schools.”
“Numbers.” Tony shivered and gagged.
“It’s been great.”
“You don’t miss chugging beers until one in the morning on weekdays?”
“Not at all,” and he meant it.
Tony chuckled to himself again but it wasn’t a happy chuckle. The same plaintive look showed in his expression. Then he snapped out of it and punched Harry in the shoulder.
“It’s good to see you. Can’t wait to have a beer with everyone.”
They continued on their way and had to drive through the main part of town. The old brick buildings were familiar friends. The post office, a few Irish bars, the candy store. If their town had a hot spot, this was it. Tony laughed and pointed at different landmarks and told stories.
“Hah! Remember when Harold got kicked out of that place?” he asked.
“Maybe. I think so.”
“Poor bastard was never allowed back. You know Harold. No chance of him sneaking anywhere.”
They were stopped at a red light when all of a sudden they both nearly leapt from their seats as a loud bang shook the car. A small half-dressed man had slid across the hood and was running full speed down the street. An emaciated hispanic woman in a pink bath robe was tight on his tail. She had a broom over her head ready to swing.
“You son of a bitch! Give me my money you pig!” she screamed as she chased the man in vain. Harry noticed she was smoking a cigarette while doing this and was thoroughly impressed. The two watched in awe until Tony spoke.
“Hey, doesn’t that look like --”
After they made it through town, they found the half-naked man catching his breath in an alley around the corner from the old movie theater. Dark eyes beamed wildly through damp black tendrils of hair. Tony and Harry recognized Danny immediately.
“Fellas! What a surprise!” Harry peeked around the corner for the woman with the broom. “Hey, do either of you have an extra tie? That hooker tried to strangle me with mine and it ripped in half,” Danny said as he tried to pop one of his shoes through the bottom of his pant leg. His suit was a navy blue but looked gray with dust. It clung to him like it was three sizes too small.
“You need to find yourself a girlfriend,” Tony said.
“I agree,” said Harry.
“I went home with this girl last night. We were at Mulligans. She told me she had some booger sugar. Turned out it was fake. Being the gentleman I am, I set off to find this swindler and restore honor to the prostitute’s name. I convinced him to give me the real stuff, but he ended up following me back to her house. We were throwing fists in her living room until I managed to lock him in the closet. That’s when she told me he was her pimp, and then the tie thing happened, and then you guys showed up.”
Harry and Tony looked at each other. “I don’t think they’re going to let you in the church, Danny,” Harry said.
“God always forgives, fellas. Plus, what’s a Saturday morning without being chased by a pimp and a prostitute?”
So the triumvirate rode onward, Tony and Harry in the front and Danny stretched out across the back staring through the sunroof.
“Are there any girls we know going to this thing?” Danny asked.
“I think Stacy Ramirez is going,” said Tony.
Danny retorted in disgust and sat up in the back seat. “Stacy Ramirez? I do have standards. Unfortunately, they’re probably just low enough for her,” Danny said. “Wasn’t she on the news recently?”
“I saw that. What for?” Tony said.
“Something bad but I forget now,” said Harry.
“When was the last time you had a girlfriend?” Tony asked Danny.
He laughed as if the question was ludicrous. He stared through the sunroof at the wispy clouds.
“Danny?” Tony asked again.
“Oh. It’s been a while. Haven’t ‘gone steady’ since junior high.” He said this without looking away from the sky above. He put his hands over his face and took a deep breath before he sat up again. Harry noticed the same wistfulness that he saw in Tony earlier.
“How’s work going?” Harry chimed in and changed the subject.
“I’m a full time mooch for the government now,” he laughed.
“You got fired?”
“I quit.”
“Did you fail another drug test?”
“The fake piss Morretti gave me didn’t work. I knew it tasted like lemonade.” The car was filled with horrified silence. “Second time that’s happened. Gotta get it somewhere else next time.”
There was now fifteen minutes left until the wedding. The car seemed stuck in quicksand.
“Does this shitbucket move any faster? Greg’s going to kill us. Greg’s mom is going to kill us. That woman still hates me for breaking the penis off her statue of David in third grade,” Danny said.
“I remember that,” Harry said.
“Don’t worry. We’re gonna make it,” Tony said with his eyes focused on the road until he began checking his hair again. Danny was still laying in the back fiddling with his ripped up tie. Harry stared out the passenger window and watched for people on the street. Something caught his eye and his head slowly began to turn as his eyes were glued to the sight.
“Slow down.”
The car slowed until it came to a stop. Tony caught sight of what Harry was looking at.
“Do you all see that?” he asked.
“I see it, but I don’t think it’s real,” said Harry.
“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” said Danny.
On the sidewalk next to them and just a few yards ahead was a man dressed in a brown tweed suit. The suit was so small on him that the pant legs crawled up to his kneecaps and the blazer looked like he’d rolled up the sleeves. His back was turned but they knew who it was right away. They would have continued driving too had it not been for the small child holding his hand walking alongside him. The child was also wearing a suit, but it was enormous. His pink pant legs and sleeves dragged on the concrete behind them.
“Harold, is that you?” Tony slowed down and called from the rolled down window.
The large man looked over his shoulder and smiled. He wrapped the child up and took him in his arms like a giant cradling a puppy.
“Anthony. Harry. Daniel. My friends!” the large man said.
“Where in the fucking world did you get a child?” Danny asked.
“We learned about this in school, Danny,” said Harry.
“This is Felipe,” Harold said beaming at the small boy.
“Felipe? You’re Irish, you dimwit,” said Danny.
“Hi, Felipe,” said Harry. He waved at Felipe.
“I saw you at the bar two weeks ago. You didn’t say anything about Felipe,” said Tony.
“It’s a funny story,” Harold said. “So I was working one night, just packing up the truck for the day’s deliveries. I was very sleepy that morning and everyone else finished before me. I dropped one of the boxes and wouldn’t you know, a bottle of bourbon was in it! A whole dang bottle. I was afraid of getting in trouble for breaking the box so I reasoned the only sensible thing to do was get rid of the box and drink the liquor.”
“Naturally,” Tony said.
“Of course,” said Harry.
“I would have done the same thing,” said Danny.
“Plus, I figured whoever was getting the bottle was probably receiving it for a special occasion. He probably did something cool like invented something or became mayor. I mean, it was a nice bottle. He probably would have wanted it sealed nice and neatly. So if I drank it, they’d have to reseal it all perfect and such.”
“I’m glad we’re friends, Harold.”
“Thanks, Harry. So anyway, I sat in the back of the truck with the deliveries and drank as fast as I could until there was nothing left. Only problem was I lost the bottle. I woke up later on someone’s porch and little Felipe here was wrapped up in my arms. He had a note on him but it was in Spanish and I couldn’t read it. So I named him Felipe and took him home.”
“You’re an absolute psychopath,” Danny said.
“No, Danny. I’m a dad.”
“Congrats on becoming a father, Harold. I’ll have to remember to buy him a nice baby gift,” said Harry.
“Thank you, Harry. Felipe would love that.”
Danny looked at his watch and realized they had just five minutes to make it to the wedding.
“Get in the car. Bring Felipe. We’re all going to be late. Greg is going to kill us.”
“Greg’s mom is going to kill us,” Danny said.
“Do you have a child seat?” Harold asked.
“No, we don't have a damn child seat. What do we look like?” Danny said. “The only seat you should be worrying about is the electric chair they’re going to put you in when they find out you took that baby.”
Meanwhile at the church, Greg and his groomsmen began to take their places. Black tuxes lined the maroon steps of the cathedral where they stood. The pews were packed. Greg’s best man patted him on the shoulder and took a nip from his flask. His father winked at him from the crowd. Aunts and uncles waved and snapped pictures. Babies babbled in the laps of cousins. Greg ran a hand through his graying hair. You would think he was focused on his family or his vows or his soon to be wife. Instead, Greg’s eyes were on the door eagerly awaiting the arrival of his friends.
When they arrived at the church, they were ten minutes late. Tony didn’t even search for a parking space and pulled right up to the doors of the church with tires squealing. Inside, the pews were packed with patrons who believed they were in for a nice, traditional wedding. Greg had instructed everyone to wait just a bit longer, but his wife overruled him for the first of many times and the ceremony had begun. At the foot of the looming, archaic doors, the four friends huddled together.
“Alright, we’re late and we look like Hell. We’re just going to go in quietly. Find a spot in the back,” directed Tony as he adjusted his oversized sunglasses.
“I look great,” said Danny.
“Sorry, I couldn’t find that tie,” said Harry.
“Where is your belt, Harry?” asked Harold.
“Oh, man.”
“Listen. This is serious. Our buddy is getting married. We need to be respectful,” said Tony.
“We’re always respectful,” said Danny. “How can you get more respectful than taking in an abandoned child out of the goodness of your heart?” Harold smiled proudly and looked down for Felipe, but he was gone.
“Felipe? Felipe?! Harry? Did you see him?!”
“I think he might have gone that way,” Harry said and pointed to the now partially opened doors of the church.
The priest had just begun speaking as Felipe sauntered his way down the aisle. He stumbled most of the way but gave up and began crawling when he tripped over one of his satin sleeves. The people in the pews laughed, cried, and stared in horror at the small child’s procession. When he finally reached the wedding party, one of the bridesmaids gasped.
“Vincenzo?!” she shrieked in shock and horror as the baby perked his head up to look at her. The church was silent. The bridesmaid moved as if she was going to the child but her body went limp. Her unconscious body rolled down the steps in front of Felipe. Later on at the reception, she would tell the story of how the child had been stolen from her while in line at the gas station the week prior. She was going to check out and turned her back for a second. When she looked back, only a bottle of Jim Beam was in the stroller. It was Stacy Ramirez.
“Is that your wife, Harold?” Harry asked.
“So that’s why she was on the news,” Danny said.
When Greg saw them, he smiled and the ceremony began with Stacy still passed out on the steps.
“Do you think we look okay?” Harry asked the group looking down at where his belt was supposed to be. They hadn’t done a great job of walking in discreetly and many were craning their necks to get a look at the rag tag crew.
“We look better than Stacy,” Danny said.
At the reception, Harry stood by the bar nursing a beer and watching Danny flirt disastrously with Stacy Ramirez. He was out on the dance floor somehow more disheveled and sweaty than he was in that alley earlier. He flailed around as the band played, “Shout,” nearly knocking Greg’s mother to the ground. The rest of the guests were both horrified and impressed.
Despite the revelation of his inadvertent crime, Harold still sat with Felipe at their table in the corner. It was beginning to look less like a kidnapping and more like a cop out as Stacy seemed more interested in the strange tribalistic dance she was in the midst of with Danny. Chocolate covered the kid’s face, but Harold sat patiently and wiped it away. Though there were no other children, it seemed as if Felipe had been accepted as part of their entourage and was thus permitted to join in the festivities.
Danny stumbled over out of breath. “Stacy said I remind her of her second ex-husband.”
“Better than her third,” Harry replied.
Danny nodded in agreement and gulped his beer.
Tony reappeared,dragging a bewildered bridesmaid behind him. She seemed smitten. “Guys! They’re doing karaoke.”
Harry groaned. “This day has been long enough!”
“There’s always time for karaoke,” Danny declared, dragging Harry toward the stage.
Harold looked up as they passed. The expression on his face was that of a bemused father watching his sons head off to do something stupid. He laughed and continued to wipe the chocolate from Felipe’s face.
Tony took center stage and started singing poorly on his own until Danny made it even worse with his harmonizing. Harry stood there smiling stupidly, swaying back and forth to the beat. Danny tried some wild dance-move and ripped his pants. Stacy Ramirez erupted in applause.
All of them were a little lost and if you met them on the street, you might question their sanity. Reliability was never their strong suit, but they had made it to the wedding. They made it together in their own chaotic way. To Harry and the rest of them, that was something worth celebrating.
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