Oort Cloud Oddities: 2004 In Review

By Alexandra Queen

2004 the way it might just as well have happened

2004 is gone! And while everyone else is looking back over what happened, I thought it would be refreshing to look at some of the things that didn't.

Top Quotes That Were Never Said (But Easily Could Have Been)

"The 86th time's the charm." -- Boston Red Sox, who won their first World Series title since 1918.

"You know, this is kind of a catchy little story. Can anyone else envision this as a screenplay?" -- Mel Gibson, director of The Passion of Christ

"Remember the... wait, what movie are we pitching again?" -- marketing team for Disney's bomb, The Alamo

"No, seriously, I'm, like, totally sober this time." -- Britney Spears, during the vows to her second wedding, this time to Kevin Federline.

"What I love most about Ashton is that he's so mature." -- Demi Moore, about boyfriend Kutcher, who reportedly spent time refusing to speak to That 70's Show co-star, Wilmer Valderrama, because Valderrama's girlfriend, Lindsey Lohan, told Demi Moore she didn't want to wear a Kabbalah string bracelet. Irony one: It looked suspiciously like the friendship bracelets junior high students trade back and forth. Irony Two: Kutcher was actually quoted telling Valderrama that Wilmer needed to "just grow up".

"Gwen, Jen... having a name that rhymes with mine is what makes a woman really hot." -- Ben Affleck, who has dated Gwennyth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez and now Jennifer Garner. Who's next in 2005? Maybe champion Jeopardy contestant Ken Jennings. Mmm, Ben, you have to admit he has an attractive name.

"You'll give me two packs of cigarettes to *what*?" -- Martha Stewart, who served jail time this year.

Everyone else is also coming up with really great New Year's Resolutions, too. We should probably do that while we're at this whole "annual transition" thing.

Top New Year's Resolutions By People Who Didn't Really Make Them (But Easily Could Have)

"I will keep all my clothes on at football games." -- Janet Jackson. Also, several of the fat guys with the painted bellies. Also, residents of Manteca, now that the city's new nudity laws are on the books.

"I will lose weight this year." -- Mary Kate Olsen.

"I will eat what I want this year." -- Kirstie Alley

"I will lose weight this year. Then eat what I want. Then lose weight. Then eat what I want..." -- Oprah

"I will try new culinary adventures." -- Jessica Simpson, who was filmed on her reality TV show being legitimately clueless as to whether or not "chicken of the sea" was fish or fowl.

"I will let my talent speak for itself." -- Ashlee Simpson, who lost her cool when a technical gaffe exposed her as lip synching her "live" performance on Saturday Night Live.

"Doh!" -- Homer Simpson, who reminds me of the two above (at least from the neck up).

"I will try to be more outgoing." -- Paris Hilton.

"I will learn to accept failure gracefully." -- The 49er's. Also, Mark Geragos.

"I will learn to take more gambles. I mean chances." -- Pete Rose. Also, tribal casino supporters.

"I will take more supplements to improve my health." -- Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds. Also, Rush Limbaugh.

"I will spend more time with my kids." -- Michael Jackson.

"I will be more creative with my finances." -- Kojo Annan, son of U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, who allegedly profited from the oil-for-food scandal.

And finally, let us look toward the coming year.

Top Predictions for 2005 That Will Never Happen (And Probably Shouldn't)

Martha Stewart Lizzle. Along with a new television deal and an increase in stock value, Martha Stewart will continue to capitalize on the publicity surrounding her sentence by releasing a new gangsta rap CD.

Out with Atkins, in with Major Tom: The two astronauts aboard the space station who lost weight due to reducing their consumption of dwindling food rations and replacing caloric intake with candy and snack foods will start their own diet craze.

Cellulite 451: Ever in pursuit of the truth, film maker Michael Moore will publish an earth shattering "documentary" about celebrities who have had liposuction, and the bizarre lengths they'll go to in order to lose weight.

The "O My" Reilly Factor: With Howard Stern off the air, Bill O'Reilly will step in to talk dirty over the airwaves.

Comments, predictions and resolutions to Alex.Queen@gmail.com.

This article first appeared in the Manteca (Calif.) Bulletin.