Tin Foil Wisdom

If you wear a tin foil hat, be assured that people are going to start asking you questions.

Dear Tedi,

My husband wants me to put foil hats on all of our animals so that when the Venusians come to rescue us from our planet, our pets will come, too. I think that pets will automatically come to Venus when the time is right, but he disagrees. We have five pets, and it's hard to get five foil hats on five pets. But I love my husband, and I want to do the right thing. What do you think?

Signed,
Worried

Dear Worried,

Often, people marry without discussing philosophical differences. The important thing is that the pets don't suffer from your disagreement. Have you talked to your pets about the impending transfer to Venus? The cats will probably understand, but you need to take extra time to inform the dogs. Is your husband helping you put the foil hats on your pets? Perhaps you need to take a step back and assess your foil hat needs. Could you put one hat on two pets? Is there a tin foil shortage in your area? What exactly is stopping you from making hats for all your pets and putting them on when the Venusians come? I think we're talking about a time management problem. I'd suggest you sit down with your husband and discuss both of your expectations, then form a negotiated plan.

Signed,
Tedi

Dear Tedi,

Last week was a really bad week for me, and I need some solid advice. There is no one I can talk to but you. Please help.

About a year ago, I met my soulmate. He was the man of my dreams, it was magic. We're getting married next month, in Hawaii. I've always dreamed of this day, walking down the aisle in a tea-length chiffon, and seeing my dream man waiting for me at the altar. Everything was perfect. He's fabulously wealthy. His parents love me. I love him. He's kind and considerate.

But, yesterday, I noticed that there was a Darjeeling teabag in the trash. I don't drink Darjeeling, and no one I know does, except for my sister. We're Orange Pekoe types. Do you think my future husband is having an affair with my sister?

Signed,
Almost Wed

Dear Almost Wed,

Yes. Dump him now. And put that picture of your sister and the curdled milk up on the web. What kind of woman drinks Darjeeling? Consider yourself lucky.

Signed,
Tedi

Dear Tedi,

I've always thought you were hot, but since you took on that chick who thought Ashley Simpson was just a passing fad, I admit I think I'm totally in love with you. Do you think there is any chance you'll leave your husband for a guy like me? I learned how to Google last week! And I bought the CD of "Appalachian Spring". Please, tell me I have a chance.

Signed,
Infatuated

Dear Infatuated,

I'm sure you're a fine man in your own right, and someday you will meet the girl of your dreams. Don't be fooled by my smooth ways and fine foil hat. I have my own foibles.

Flawed as I am, however, I can't quite see leaving a man who has an excellent job, bought me a house, is a pilot and a scholar, and learned how to put up with my kids, and gives me anything I want. Not even for you, although I'm sure you're very nice. He went whitewater rafting for me, for Pete's sake. Still, it was sweet of you to ask. I do have a cousin, however, and she has a great personality.

Don't give up. I may not be your dream girl, but she's just around the corner.

Signed,
Tedi