The Living Dead: A Rebuttal

Now I'm sure you've seen all the so-called "Living Dead" movies and have formed pretty solid opinions on zombies. However, as one of the undead, I have to say those movies are pure hogwash. In this article, I hope to clarify the situation and help you better understand our situation.

First, there's this whole business of some weird stuff from space causing us to rise from our grave. Nonsense! Truth of the matter is we tried death for a while and found it boring. Mind you, years of decomposition have certain adverse effects on our motor and speech skills.

The whole speech thing is a major thorn in our rumps. We are not this Frankenstein monster-like "Fire baaad" freaks. It's simply that due to our corroded brains, it takes us longer to process our thoughts and put them into words.

Which brings up the whole brains situation. We do not eat brains; raw, straight from the skull, that is. On crackers they are very tasty.

Actually the topic of cannibalism is greatly overstated. Has anyone every thought about setting out some milk and cookies as we approach? Hey, it's been a while since we've last had anything to eat and we are quite hungry. Can you really blame us for chowing down on the first meat we get our hands on?

And what's this nonsense of us staying in the clothes we were buried in? After a good meal, our main interest is a shower and fresh treads. Nothing shakes off the time spent in the grave like showering with a nice lavender body wash and then slipping into trendy clothes.

The word "zombie" itself is a misnomer. Properly speaking, a zombie is a person turned into an undead state by a witch doctor. That has nothing to do with us, and frankly, we find real zombies rather freaky.

Why, you might ask, do movies always portray us in such a bad light? I can only speculate. It could be ignorance, No filmmaker has ever bothered to ask me for my opinions. My guess, though, is that it's simply propaganda. We are a bit different from most folks, so of course Hollywood is going to portray us in a negative light.

And you'd think if they could make movies showing dinosaurs, ogres, and lions as cute, cuddly things, they could do one for us. Why can't there be a romantic musical showing our soft side? Just imagine Sleepless in Seattle, but with the living dead. If my tear ducts still functioned, I'd be welling up just thinking about it.

Finally, it is very important to note that we are not the mindless, soulless clods you have been led to believe we are. We have dreams, aspirations, hopes for the future. If you ever want to discuss these in greater detail, drop me a note. I'll bring the crackers.