Snake Food

When I first saw what my assignment would be for this week's issue, I wondered if someone on the editorial staff had lost her mind. Snake food? It had to be a joke. It wasn't. "Well," I told myself, "that's what happens when you show up late for meetings. You get stuck with the crazy shit." Not being one to shy away from such things, I got to work on coming up with a couple of quick and easy snake food recipes. It was surprisingly easy and tasty to boot.

First, I asked a friend of mine from West Virginia about the edibility of certain snakes. She had mentioned having eaten rattlesnake before, so I figured she would have the inside scoop. She told me that rattlesnake was pretty good, but since rattlesnakes don't take kindly to be turned into food, it's pretty hard to find. She recommended that I start with something simpler, like black snakes or garden snakes. She directed me to the nearest snake meat market, and I picked up some fresh black snake. For something a little more exotic, I selected sidewinder.

The easiest way to make satisfying snake food, for yourself or for a whole host of people, is to treat the snake as you would any cold cuts. In this case, since the meat was uncooked, I sautéed the snake in olive oil first and added a clove of fresh garlic for some flavor. Next, I spread some spicy hummus on some Triscuits and topped these with crumbly feta cheese. I put the crackers in the oven to bake for about five minutes until the feta was a little melted. While that was going on, I sliced up some cucumbers, which I sprinkled with a little fresh black pepper, olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

Once the Triscuits were out of the oven, I added the cucumber slices and then topped the treats off with the still warm snake meat. Voila! A quick and easy way to make tasty snake food hors d'oeuvres for your next get together! To add some variety, try different cheeses and vegetables, like sharp cheddar and avocado.

Wait. You mean I read that wrong? Snack food? It's not snake food? Damn ...