What's Your Name Again?

Blog -- Tuesday morning

I mean come on, do you really think I look like a miller's daughter? Just look at my skin, porcelain and unflawed. My fingers are slender and my nails are unbroken. Yet my dad keeps telling everyone I have this hidden talent. Ever since mom died he has been totally weird. I don't know what he's planning, but he went up to see the King. Sheesh, I'd rather be sitting on the bank of the river and enjoying the ripe berries than toadying to the so-called monarch of this dumpy village. It's not like he's someone I know. My dad is such a suck up. Why we can't move back to the city, I don't know, but I deal with it as I can. Thank god am still allowed to have a cell phone. Dad doesn't have a clue I learned to access the Internet and blog.

Blog -- Tuesday night

Oh my god! I can't fucking believe him. My stupid dad thinks I can turn straw into gold? Why doesn't he tell people I can pull diamonds out of my ass? It'd be just about as successful. I am going to die. After he got back from his damn meet-and-greet, some stupid thugs showed up and dragged me up here to this King's estate and jammed me in this room after the King said I needed to make all this crap into gold before dawn or I was dead. And then they locked me in the damn room. I mean come on, this stupid room is full of straw and I can't stop sneezing!

I am too young to be dead. I haven't even had a real date unless you count that month I was on Second Life before we moved. I am pretty sure that dude I kept making out with was a guy. Kind of hard to know for sure and then Dad caught me typing dirty. Next thing I knew dad said the computer was taking up too much of free time and sold it before we moved to this dinky town with a King. I mean a King? King of what? was what I asked, but never got an answer.

Maybe they were just kidding. I am just so sure nobody seriously thinks I can spin straw into gold. My dad isn't that good of a salesman, or we wouldn't be living out here in the sticks. Brb someone's coming.

Blog -- Wednesday early morning

Okay, my life is too weird for words. I was sneezing so hard I started crying and this little dude showed up to supposedly comfort me. I swear he was just trying to sneak a peek down my tank top, the perv. But when he saw all that straw he asked what it was for, and I told him my dad's idea about me making it into gold and that the thug of the castle was going to off me if I didn't make it happen before dawn.

He nodded like it was normal and said he'd do it if I traded him something. I pretended he was looking at my stupid necklace and offered him that. He nodded and agreed. Damned if he didn't do it! I am so happy. Oh, here comes someone. I sure hope they have espresso.

Blog -- Wednesday night

What a pig!!! I 'gave' him all that damn spun gold and instead of thanking me and letting head back home, the 'King' had me locked into an even bigger room. Naturally with yet more damned straw! Instead of his thugs, he personally dragged me into the new room and said he'd kill me with his bare hands if it wasn't all gold by morning. Damn greedy-guts. He had the balls to slap my ass on his way out. He's cute but not that cute.

I mean like how the hell was I supposed to deal with all this straw? My allergies totally were killing me. Naturally I began to sneeze again and tears soon followed. Admittedly some of those tears weren't allergy-related, because hey, he'd sounded pretty fucking serious about strangling me.

Blog -- Wednesday night ever so much later

The little dude showed up again. I was wiping away my tears using the edge of my tank top when he popped in and found me in the huge room of straw. I so needed a Claritin or something toxic. He didn't offer me any meds, but looked at the straw and shook his head. Seeing where he was focused, I yanked my top back down all the while I was pretty sure that he'd already sneaking a peek at the underside of my form. From his lower world view and the way he danced around I am pretty sure he got a damn good look at my boobs.

He said, "I see you are in a bit of trouble." "I'm fine. You have any sinus meds with you? I am dying here." I admit I sniffed a bit more than just for the sneezing. The tears weren't all caused by the straw -- some were caused by the idea that I wasn't so sure the King was joking about killing me if I didn't spin all this straw into gold.

The short man tapped his bent finger against his dry cracked lip. He noticed my stare and a thin lizard green tongue snaked out and just made his pink lips look slimed. The grizzled white beard and mustache didn't help his look any. I guess he didn't get to the barber much given all his ratty hair and the massive split ends. His hair sort of reminded me of all the damn straw. I sniffed again as I looked at the piles of straw and the large wheel sitting in the middle of the room. I didn't even know how the spinning wheel was used nor did I have much desire to learn. That little man seemed to love it and he did know how to make it spin out gold.

"No, don't have pills on me. So what have we here?" He pointed to the stacks of straw.

"Duh, gold in the early stages," I sniped.

"Naturally. But what have you to offer me to do such a task?" He sounded formal.

I looked at him and wondered if I could charge him for looking at my breasts. I shook my head at that notion and said, "I have this ring." I yanked off my birthstone ring I'd worn on my pinky for years.

"It's agreed!" He laughed and hopped on the seat and began spinning his magic.

I fell asleep before he was done I think.

Blog -- Thursday really early

Okay, I am sure I fell asleep. The room is filled with gold and no little creepy man staring at me. Part of me really wonders if he looked at me while I was sleeping. And how much of me did he peek at while I was out cold? Ugh.

The King should be happy. I hear his 'royal highness' approaching. Should be back in few. Hopefully I will be blogging from home next time we talk!

Blog -- Thursday middle of day

I can't lie. I am sobbing. This has nothing to do with being in this huge room of blasted straw. Have I mentioned how much I totally hate straw yet? In case you missed it, straw sucks rocks. Straw will be the death of me.

Good old King Asshole loved the room of straw that was spun last night. Hell, he loved it so much my reward is a damn barn of straw. Okay, I am lying, it's like only half a barn full of straw. And if I spin it all into gold tomorrow I get to live and he's going to like marry me. I don't think I was asked exactly but death or marriage to a King. Hmmm ... Nice choices huh?

Later.

Blog -- Thursday late afternoon

Oh, I still haven't figured out how that damn straw gets fed into the spinner. I would rather check my email and text friends since I'll be dead soon than try to teach myself spin. And if I was able to spin I doubt I'd be spinning that straw into much more than a mess. I mean gold? Hello, if I had that talent like my stupid dad had claimed, wouldn't we have moved next to a barn and made our riches? Besides that little dude hasn't showed up at all. I stopped crying an hour ago, since the straw is now sticking to me like I had glue on me.

I'll admit it I am sobbing. I am dead. The straw is haunting me.

Blog -- Twilight Thursday

Like I've decided that once this insane monarch slays me, that I want to leave my cell phone to my best friend forever, Shelly. It's like she doesn't have a real phone, just that pay-as-you-go piece of crap. My dad must have got something for all my spinning and he has paid the bill on my cell phone for the next three months at least, as long as I don't go over the plan cause he's really anal that way. I don't think Shelly will abuse it. Okay, so it's not my spinning, but still the King doesn't know that. He still has all that gold.

Since I don't have anything left that's pretty much all I have to say. Later if I survive -- this totally sucks.

Blog -- Middle of Thursday night

Yeah, I was crying. Why lie? I guess I didn't hear that little man arrive. He laughed when he saw all that damned straw strewn around the room dancing in my nightmares. He slapped his knee and giggled pointing at the bundles of straw. Guess he thought I had missed all of it filling the damn room? Stupid ass troll or whatever he was.

"Girly girl, you are in a bit of trouble aren't you?" He danced around touching the hated straw like it was special or something.

"No, I am really looking forward to being dead, so I don't have to see your face ever again," I sobbed. My tank top was getting a bit tattered and he had to wipe drool from his face while I swiped my tears off my cheeks with the palms of my hands. I wasn't going to give him any more peeks. Asshole was far too excited already.

"Dead? I can spin this all into gold before dawn. What do you have to trade?" He was looking to the middle of my body. I shuddered and couldn't come up with anything.

He snorted and laughed, "I know -- your first born child!"

I sneezed and looked over at the straw and laughed, "Sure, whatever!" Like I'd have a kid?

Blog -- Friday morning

Damn! He did it! That little creep spun it all while I slept. I was really tired. And the King's due any minute. Maybe he'd just let me go.

Blog -- Saturday Afternoon

I am married! The King wasn't kidding. He dragged me to the altar. After giving me this huge ring. He was so happy I got him all the gold. I told him since we were married I couldn't lower myself to do that sort of thing anymore, and he bought it!

And he wasn't half bad in bed. I didn't know you could do all those sorts of things and not be zapped by lightning. I also had my dad banished to the damn seaside and given a small marketplace to run. Now maybe he'll be too busy to screw with my life anymore.

Blog -- year later

Wow! So like I found my phone yesterday and charged it. I just remembered my passwords for this blog. So much has happened. I had a baby last month! Tomorrow we will present our child to the kingdom. I still can't believe I am a queen. Totally weird.

Blog -- two hours later

That grimy little creature showed up and asked for my baby! He said I'd promised him the child. I sorta remember we had some discussion but like I didn't mean it. My baby. I cried and asked what could I do to prevent him taking our child. He said tell me his name.

"Fuckwad" wasn't it. Neither was "Jerk" or "Asshole". He kept laughing and told me I had three days. Like I knew his name? It doesn't matter, I decided that I'm going to ask some folks their names and see if they know anybody fitting this creature's description. I will keep my baby.

Blog -- next day

I am lost. I tried every name I heard with the troll and none of them were right. I also tried Bartholomew, Jake, Ignacio, Carl and Thad but to no avail.

He said he'd be back tomorrow morning. He danced out of the room. But first he petted my baby's face.

Blog -- and the day after

Vomiting doesn't help. Neither did Yellow-Bottom, Knobby-Knees, Petard or Sammy. I am doomed. My child is lost. He danced out laughing he'd come in the morning for my baby.

Blog -- early morning

I loathe that man. I have only a few hours left with my precious babe. I can't think of any more names. The baker said she was sending up some pastries to cheer me up. Like carbs will help?

Blog -- twenty minutes later

Oh god, I think I have it! The baker's son was ranting about some lunatic frolicking around a fire pit singing a song about how he was Rumpelstiltskin and would soon have a child. He saw that horrid little man. I will see if it works.

Blog -- later same day

Well, that went better than I expected! The baker's son was right. That creature came into my bedroom and tried to take my baby. I told him, "Be off, Rumpelstiltskin. I am keeping my child."

He screamed and stomped his beastly little feet and then the floor cracked beneath him and swallowed him whole. The crunching sound of his bones being ground within the marble was satisfying. I guess being a queen isn't so bad. I need to go check on the pond. I heard the maids talking about some goose or another.