Care & Feeding of a Wife

Congratulations! You're the proud possessor of a wife!

Whether this is your first wife or you've have wives for many years, there are things you need to know and do in order to keep your wife healthy and strong, with smooth shiny hair and a pleasant disposition. But if you learn how to properly care for your wife, you can enjoy many happy years with her.

Feeding

Provide a variety of foods for your wife and allow her to choose what to eat. You will need to experiment to find which foods most please your wife, but you would be wise to maintain a constant supply of chocolate and caffeine in the delivery modes she most prefers.

Avoid commenting on her food choices. Above all, do not ever mention how much she eats.

Wives are usually independent and can feed themselves, given an adequate supply, but occasionally bringing home a prepared meal can keep your wife in good working condition. Learning to prepare her favorite foods at home can also be effective, and for a special treat, take your wife out occasionally to eat in public. That will not only give her a pleasant outing which will improve her disposition, it will also help with her socialization and eating skills, so that on the rare occasions when you are required to bring your wife into public for a meal (i.e. the annual Christmas dinner), you will not be embarrassed.

Training Your Wife

Always use a soft and kind tone with your wife. Wives are easily startled and respond best to gentle requests rather than firm commands. If you must use a harsh tone, save it for commands like, "Grab the fire extinguisher!" or "Call 911!"

If your wife has undesirable household habits, such as leaving her clothes on the floor or forgetting to flush the toilet, you have several options for breaking the habit, and you may need to try several before finding the perfect solution for your wife.

While other wife-owners may brag of their success with sharp, repeated reprimands, you are wise to avoid these tactics except in extreme cases, and only after all other options have failed. These drastic techniques do work with many wives, but they can result in unpleasant side affects. For instance, you may find your toothbrush acquires a distasteful flavor, or your boxer-briefs are always starched.

No, a wise wife-owner will first try extinction: ignore the behavior, in the hopes that it will go away. This is the best option as it leads to a happier, more pleasant wife (although it may not result in the behavior modification you desire).

Next, try to catch your wife doing the desired behavior, and praise her for it. Do your best to sound sincere. If this is difficult for you, stand in front of the mirror and practice these sentences until they sound believable: "Thanks for folding my laundry, sweetheart." "I really appreciate you making dinner tonight." "The house looks wonderful." "The toilet bowl looks spotless! How did you do it?" (That last one takes some practice to get right.)

If the undesirable habit continues and you feel you must improve her behavior, send your wife disapproving glares while pointedly fixing her mistake (i.e. picking up her clothes or flushing the toilet for her). Wives are very sensitive to body language, so try to stiffen your torso and flatten your lips while providing an example for her. She will sense your disapproval, and the behavior may change.

With some wives, this sort of tactic may actually escalate her negative behavior. If so, avoid the temptation to criticize her behavior, as it will only result in increasingly poor household skills.

Emotional Needs

Unfortunately, wives tend to be emotional creatures who need lots of attention and socialization. If you are not sure whether you can provide this, consider a golden retriever instead.

If you are certain, however, that you want a wife rather than a golden retriever, be prepared to coddle her emotions, ridiculous though they may be.

Wives often cannot understand affection without some physical contact, so be prepared to stroke her hair and hold her hand. Understand that she will want to be touched occasionally, with a gentle and loving hand. Do not confuse this with touching her breasts, as that sends a completely different signal to your wife.

If water begins to run from your wife's eyes, do not panic. She is not sick, and she does not need medical attention. Probably, she just needs a hug, but don't worry. Hugs are easy. First, raise your arms parallel to the floor, with a slightly inward curve (palm up or facing in; it doesn't matter). Step close to your wife, and slowly curve your arms behind her back until your hands rest gently but firmly against her shoulders or waist. Pull her into your chest, and apply gentle pressure. That's all there is to it! If the water doesn't stop flowing immediately, make soft cooing noises as you pat her back gently with your palm. And be patient. With practice, you'll learn to hug your wife like a professional.

This hugging and touching may seem ridiculously needy to you, but do not -- repeat, DO NOT!! -- tell her so. Identifying your wife's need for physical contact as neediness will have unpleasant results. Your wife may refuse to allow you to touch her at all, and touching your wife can be one of the most enjoyable aspects of having one. She may simultaneously become even more needy, but since she will not allow you to touch her, the simple but effective hug will not be available to you. You may be forced to rely on much more drastic solutions such as a diamond tennis bracelet or a bright blue Mercedes. You would be wise to take advantage of the simpler, cheaper hug early in the process instead, especially since the bracelet and Mercedes may return you to your touching rights, but they will not decrease your wife's neediness as a little attention earlier in the process will.

This may seem a waste of time to you, but it's very important if you want a well-adjusted and happy wife. Accept that wives are needy creatures, and be prepared to invest time in their care. If you devote yourself to proper care and attention, you will find your wife can be a delightful companion for many, many years.

Good luck!