Jeane Dixon Predicts

By Tedi Trindle

Sacramento, California

In an effort to revitalize a career that floundered dramatically after her death, famed psychic and astrologer Jeane Dixon announced her New Year´s Predictions for 2003 yesterday. Her predictions were duly written down by 12-year-old Mary Jo Townsend when the late psychic appeared at a seance being held during Katy Huron´s birthday slumber party. "I just happened to have my ´Hello Kitty´ notebook right there when it happened," Townsend explained, "and my new purple glitter gel pen. I wanted to try it out. It seemed like a good time to do it."

Dixon achieved fame as a psychic in 1963 by circulating a rumor that she had correctly predicted the assassination of the late President John F. Kennedy. When asked how a seventh-grader would even know who Dixon was, Townsend replied, "My mom has been a subscriber to the National Enquirer since she was my age. She keeps all the back issues." An aspiring writer, Townsend hopes to launch her reporting career in 2005 by writing horoscopes for her high school newspaper. "It´s a dream," Townsend sighed, "but it will probably never happen. Tommy Rockwell will probably get the job, just because everyone thinks he´s so cute. Yuck."

When asked why she felt compelled to issue new predictions at this time, Dixon explained posthumously, "Well, ever since my career ended, the annual Enquirer prediction issue has been in a slump. They´ve resorted to printing stuff Nostradamus predicted, for pete´s sake. The man has been dead for centuries! What does he know about what is going to happen to Jennifer Lopez´ marriage?"

In spite of the fact that the psychic most notably failed to predict her own fatal heart attack in 1997, Dixon went on to enumerate her new predictions:

Keanu Reeves will stun the world by asking Katy Huron to escort him to her middle school Homecoming Dance.
Mary Jo Townsend will be asked to go at the last minute by Tommy Rockwell, but be forced to decline because of a huge zit on her nose.
George Bush will be filmed by BBC World News wearing a merry widow and dancing the Locomotion through the Rose Garden. He will overcome the negative press by declaring war on Omaha, NE.
In late April, Conan O´Brien will resign from "Late Night" in order to team up with Dr. Laura Schlesinger as a co-host for her nationally-syndicated radio call-in show.
Cher will return to the big screen portraying Tim Curry portraying Barbra Streisand portraying a young Jewish boy.
Fed up that the current Gulf war lasted longer than necessary because Bush did not follow the Powell doctrine, Colin Powell will resign as Secretary of State to pursue his dream of becoming the lead guitarist for Metallica.
Spurned by Mary Jo Townsend, Tommy Rockwell will announce over the school P.A. system that he is now gay.
Eminem will ask Mary Jo to marry him, but they will delay the ceremony until after she graduates from high school.
Gonzaga will trounce Duke in the NCAA tournament quarter-finals, then go on to a crushing defeat by Wake Forest in the semis. A scandal will ensue when it is discovered that one of the game referees´ cousins is married to a Wake Forest co-ed.
Ross Perot will announce his candidacy for the office of Prime Minister of Britain when it is vacated by Tony Blair.
In November, Nostradamus will come back to reveal his own 2003 predictions.

When asked by Townsend why she had waited until nearly April to issue her New Year´s predictions, Dixon hesitated, then replied, "Well, we don´t have any calendars up here and seances just aren´t the thing they used to be at slumber parties in the sixties. Oh, by the way, Frank Zappa says ´hi´." The interview ended abruptly, reported Townsend, when Katy Huron took one of her hands off the Ouija board palette to grab a handful of popcorn. A pillow fight ensued and nobody fell asleep until almost five in the morning, for crying out loud!