My Wife

My wife

says I
think about
death too
much and
she is
right more
than right
I know
this like I
know my
age or
my middle
name I
think about
death most
days and
see it
in almost
every dream

the first
child in
Afghanistan
was tiny
and yellow
and I
remember
bleaching the
mattress more
than I
remember the
look in
her tiny eyes

the first
dead soldier
came in
with almost
no head
we had
to guess
where to
put in
the breathing tube

the first
woman was
taken out
of the
hospital behind
rows of
white screens
so Americans
could not
look at
her dead
body like
it was
for sale

then an
old woman
died on
my first
AT after
I got
back to
the states
they said
I did
not have
to be
the one
to tie
her jaw
closed and
put her
in that
body bag
alone if
it made
me uncomfortable
but I
had only
gotten back
a few
months earlier
so I
thought they
were being funny

my father
died slow
over my
first two
years home
he trusted
me to
take him
to the
cancer doctor
and to
make sure
they knew
he wanted
every chance
to live
no DNR
don't just
let him
go peacefully
I did
not cry
when I
gave his eulogy

so yes
I do
think about
death too
much on
holidays
or birthdays
in therapy
sessions on
nights I
still don't
sleep through
I think
about death
like it's
a new
tattoo or
an old
grudge

like anything
you get
so close
to that
you can't
wash the
smell of
it off
once you
finally get home.