The Hole in a Zero

my heart
has grown old
it seems sudden
but it has crept up
I see that now

for it is Friday night
and there is nothing
out there for me
not in the streets
or the bars downtown

not at concerts
or shopping malls
or the movie theatres

people swarm these places tonight
and it is nothing to me
the hole in a zero

they meet on first dates
flirt and drink
and fuck in hotel rooms
and it is nothing

sometimes they fall in love
and it is just that --
a fall
on their faces
or into a void
they can't escape

sometimes a woman
looks at me and smiles
and that is also
nothing

I don't want
the world out there
but the one in here
(tapping my skull)

a carefully cultivated
parallel dimension
a utopia
beyond my fingertips

it is grey
and drizzly
at seven p.m.
and I think
I'll go to bed
and maybe dream