Stay Calm!

By Kelly Jackson

Stay Calm!

The only people who should say that are those who have ALREADY taken a Valium.

Have you seen the 'Calm' app commercials on TV? It shows green foliage being rained on, with the volume of the rain up several notches for the purpose of mesmerizing one into a state of 'calm.' It works for me every time. The 15-second ones have a physical effect on me, and I immediately lower my stressed-out shoulders down from up around my ears. I take one deep breath, and I'm good to go. Don't even get me started on the 30-second ones, because I am in such a state of relaxed bliss at the end of those that nothing would phase me.

But you know what? That calm app can go fuck itself! Of course, I downloaded the damn thing onto my phone straight away, looking forward to the serenity that only a 'calming' app can bring. I think that that is an oxymoron, however, because you immediately become stressed trying to figure out which Calm app to download. The commercials say, "Download the app for free." What a freaking bait and switch (and from supposed yogis no less). Sure, you CAN download the app for free, but once you get it, every single fucking 'calming scenario' that you might choose costs MONEY! If, like myself, you think to yourself ... what a scam ... how dare they misrepresent themselves ... why did I get sucked into that stupid app? See? The Calm app has me more stressed out than I'd ever been before I downloaded the damn thing.

Oh, but you DO get one part of the app for free ... NO VISUAL ... but you get to hear the sound of crickets for as long as you want to. There is NOTHING calming about listening to crickets because you're picturing what they look like, and those things have always scared the shit out of me ... and they JUMP! So, thank you SO much you Calm motherfuckers who are taking stressed-out people's money to the bank. SHAME on you!

In this Covid-19 virus pandemic that is stampeding through the world, NO one feels calm. Not after you've had to go to the drug store to buy another carton of American Spirits, because you're willing to lose your life rather than run out of cigarettes (there are a dwindling number of readers who understand what I mean here ... and I applaud you all ... all 543 of us who are left). Where was I? Oh yes ... I've got my mask, my gloves, and I'm taking my own Costco cart with me so as not to have to touch those nasty carts at the drug store. Just THINK of how many people have handled those things ... ick (the same thoughts that I had about those things before the virus)! I've got my one Clorox wipe (because I'm rationing them) in a small baggie in my purse. It's been weeks since I've driven my car, having been sheltering in place, so no need to wipe anything off in there except the cobwebs. I arrive at the drug store, get my cart put together, don my mask and gloves and I GO IN ... cautiously, scanning the entire store to see how many others are wearing masks.

You've been to a store by now, right? It's a WHOLE THING, that experience, but my worries really begin once I have checked out and I'm on my way to my car. I take the wipe from the baggie, worrying that the virus is on my gloves as I opened the baggie, so I rip off the gloves, now getting the virus on my hands, which I immediately wipe with 'the wipe.' But, wait, I got the virus on my car-door handle as I got in, and the inside handle as I closed the door. Oh, and the virus is all over my purse now, my credit card and my car keys. I'm sure that the virus jumped from my gloves to infect the entirety of my vehicle now, and NO amount of Calm app bullshit is going to CALM ME DOWN!

I kinda give up, saying "Fuck it" out loud all the way home, whilst vowing anew to make sure that I'm germ free when I:

put my mask back on
put the germed-up old gloves in my baggie
get out of the car
unlock the building door
use the door handle with a wipe
hit the elevator button with my key
make sure that I'm the ONLY one in the elevator
hit the floor number with my key
turn my apartment door handle with a wipe
with a 'new' wipe, clean ALL of my purchases
throw away all containers
wash my hands for 20 seconds while singing Happy Birthday to me. If I had as many birthdays as the number of times that I've sung to myself, I'd be old as Methuselah.

Whew ... I have finally re-entered my sanctum, from which I shall NEVER LEAVE AGAIN (can you order cigarettes from Amazon?)!

These become never-ending loops of stress as I mentally go back over my expedition and realize how many scenarios occurred during my outing that just had virus germs EVERYWHERE. This is a battle that you might think you've won, but you'd be WRONG!

... stay calm.