December 11, 2017

 

The Aser Stories 04: The Wrong Question

 
 
 

"Why don't men like me?"

Females who want to be dated but aren't fall into two categories. There are the unattractive females who have not decided, or will not decide to change their appearances or habits to appear attractive. And there are the females who may or may not be physically attractive, but whose personalities leave a great deal to be desired, including their consideration of what does and does not include "Men."

Attractive is, first off, as attractive does. Do you burnish your armor? Do you brush your teeth? If you are a scary-looking person as a matter of course, can you bring yourself to show your vulnerable side? (By the way, that does not include mooning, flashing, or pulling up your weskit.)

For instance, there was this giant, Svenhilde, who had a hard time finding male companionship until she left the sword at home (kept the dagger, of course), put on a push-up bustier with metal plates, plucked her eyebrows, and stopped picking guys up by the back of their pants. Instead she took dance lessons, and now has these 'tango dates' all the time.

On the other hand, there's the reasonably pretty girl they call 'Greta the Gallstone' who hangs around the market eateries, waiting for some unsuspecting victim to sit down near her and starts telling him (or her) about the misfunction of various parts of her internal anatomy, a subject that almost always falls under the heading of MORE THAN I WANTED TO KNOW. Not attractive. No dates. Run screaming.

Some women who are not as so-called physically attractive as the commercially-shaped girls in the Orc's Illustrated annual swimsuit edition or the Victoria's Udder Disclosure publications refuse to make any effort at all to improve themselves, content to moan about their lack of male companionship and vow that all males are swine and should be eaten by dragons, at least until Fiveday night looms, like the Fart sisters. A greasier, smellier batch of trolls you never will see, and they just sit on their porch and slurp moonshine and carp about life passing them by.

And then we have the question of what some females consider "Men." Does she think that "Men" are always handsome? Rich? Important? Have lots of magic weapons and groovy powers? If you're looking for the powerful gorgeous knight in platinum armor with the magnificent steed and the spectacular .... hm, well, let's not go there ... you are going to spend a significant part of your life standing at the bus stop by yourself.

If dating is that important, however, why not go out with one of the Lizardmen -- do take a stout cudgel, of course. And the Three Dwarves Inn owners and operators Svartheim, Svarthelm, and Svarthund say that they will consider any reasonable application for a night of alleged gratification with any of them. I strongly suggest a tango class instead.

Improve yourself. Comb your hair. Smile. Look about you and walk as though you were someone who knows an important secret. And here's the secret: life is good and rewarding even if you don't date. Forget the village matchmaker's moaning about how you are losing ground day by day without a beau. If that old squarebritches knew everything about relationships, she'd have something better to do than bug you.

Take on an apprenticeship in cloth weaving, or wine-making, or herblore. Many improvements to self and life begin by opening doors in the mind. For instance, the best poisoners are almost always single, yet sought after, and claim that job satisfaction is what keeps them happy day to day.

This whole issue came up just at sundown, when I had stopped at the tavern for my regular Twosday night beer. A batch of ditzy elves were finishing up their pineapple margaritas, and Chiernavan was picking at her bra strap with her long silver fingernails and flipping her hair about. An over-baked blond strand floated through the air and landed in my beer just about the time she stridently asked her skinny friends, "Why don't men like me?"

I pushed my contaminated beer away and answered her question. "NOBODY likes you, Chiernavan. You're a whining, conceited, self-important twit and you dress like you never looked in a mirror."

Which is why I am spending the night in a tree hiding from drunken elves. Good thing they were all wearing high heels. Maybe now would be an auspicious time to make that pilgrimage to the mountains for a couple months ...

Article © Sand Pilarski. All rights reserved.
Published on 2007-03-12


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In the same series:

The Accursed
The Aser Stories: Sidelong
The Aser Stories 80: Cabin Fever
The Aser Stories 79: Just Don't Say It Before Spring
The Aser Stories 78: Judgment Call
The Aser Stories 77: "Are We There Yet?"
The Aser Stories 76: A Bone to Pick
The Aser Stories 75: Coalition Forces
The Aser Stories 74: Flying Monkeys
The Aser Stories 73: Elspeth, Ad Nauseam
The Aser Stories 072: Starve a Cold
The Aser Stories 071: House Call
The Aser Stories 70: Dinner Dates
The Aser Stories 69: Fire in the Hole
The Aser Stories 68: The Silk Fable
The Aser Stories 67: The Simple Life
The Aser Stories 66: For What You're Worth
The Aser Stories 65: Taking a Shot
The Aser Stories 64: Second Chances
The Aser Stories 63: The Second Step
The Aser Stories 63: Second Thoughts
The Aser Stories 60: Fish Story
The Aser Stories 59: Ace in the Hole
The Aser Stories 58: Knowledge is Power
The Aser Stories 57: Animal Tracks
The Aser Stories 56: Oz Can Keep Them All
The Aser Stories 55: Small Comfort
The Aser Stories 54: Letting Go
The Aser Stories 53: In a Spirit of Healing
The Aser Stories 52: Stinkin' Kids
The Aser Stories 51: No Words For It
The Aser Stories 50: The Friend in Need
The Aser Stories 49: Run for Cover
The Aser Stories 48: On the Fly
The Aser Stories 47: Just Thievery
The Aser Stories 46: Take My Shaman ... Please
The Aser Stories 45: Hot Stuff
The Aser Stories 44: Courtesy Call
The Aser Stories 43: Adding Insult to Injury
The Aser Stories 42: Natural Selection
The Aser Stories 41: Funny Business
The Aser Stories 40: Happy Endings
The Aser Stories 39: Working Dogs
The Aser Stories 38: Taking Sides
The Aser Stories 37: Dumb Animals
The Aser Stories 36: Harsh Words
The Aser Stories 35: Endangered Species
The Aser Stories 34: Common Language
The Aser Stories 33: Legal Torture
The Aser Stories 32: Whose Fault Is It?
The Aser Stories 31: Money Talks
The Aser Stories 30: The Perils of Sympathy
The Aser Stories 29: Raccoons
The Aser Stories 28: The Ghost of Garfer Miller
The Aser Stories 27: Dynamite
The Aser Stories 26: Junk Mail
The Aser Stories 25: Rose-Covered Cottages
The Aser Stories 24: Crime and Punishment
The Aser Stories 23: Image Is Everything
The Aser Stories 22: Is As Does
The Aser Stories 21: Gourmet Dining
The Aser Stories 20: Families and How They Are
The Aser Stories 19: The Difference Between Men and Women
The Aser Stories 18: On a Silver Platter
The Aser Stories 17: Point of View
The Aser Stories 16: Easy Street
The Aser Stories 15: Moguls
The Aser Stories 14: A Mile Toward Change
The Aser Stories 13: The Price of Freedom
The Aser Stories 12: A Question of Nudity
The Aser Stories 11: Rabbit From a Hat
The Aser Stories 10: Awards
The Aser Stories 09: On A Roll
The Aser Stories 08: Raising Children
The Aser Stories 07: Crosspasses Market
The Aser Stories 06: Judge, Jury, Shaman
The Aser Stories 05:Habit and Stubbornness
The Aser Stories 04: The Wrong Question
The Aser Stories 03: The Labor of Love
The Aser Stories 02: Soup du Jour
The Aser Stories 01: Popping the Big Question
The Aser Stories 40a: Customary Behavior
The Aser Stories 36a: Madly In Love
The Aser Stories 03a: Descent to the Underworld

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